we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
