I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
