walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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