:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
