Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
