I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
