I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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