Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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