Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
