Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
