i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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