Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
