I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
