i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got inside last night via doggy door
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
