Where did you get a picture of my penis
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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