she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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