We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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