I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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