Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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