she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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