dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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