I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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