My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
