Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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