She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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