At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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