So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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