I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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