Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
