I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
