I wish my penis had an off switch
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
