woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
