oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
