1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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