if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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