You smell like stripper and shame
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
