Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
