I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
