Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
