And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
