cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Text me some of your sweat
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
