I think I won the penis lottery.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
