Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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