the condom got lost in my hair
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
