He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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