I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
