I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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