Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
