and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You pole danced in your parka.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
