Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
