Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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