not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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