Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So squirting runs in the family.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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