I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
