i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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