I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
