We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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