worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
