Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
