i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What drink are we having for lunch?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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